Understand Life Will Not Be Fair and You’ll Take a Huge Step Forward

Professor Long’s 26 Rules of the Business Road – Rule #15

What is Professor Long’s Rule #15?

If you have children or you were a child, or you’ve been a teacher or a student, or you’ve ever encountered difficulty or weren’t chosen or missed an opportunity or loved someone who did, you’ve either heard it said or said it yourself:

“Life isn’t fair.” 

Waaahhh, waaahhh, waaahhh. (That’s supposed to be whining and crying.) Life isn’t fair to me. (In all fairness, my children used to tell me, “This is not fun for me”). Yes, I get it. Life isn’t fair to me, either.

Doesn’t it seem that way — way too often? That things happen to us that aren’t fair? Hey, we’ve been good, we’ve worked hard, we’ve paid it forward but we still get hammered by life. Okay, let’s ask the question: Why is that happening?

Defining life

If we say that “life isn’t fair,” then we should define what fair in life is. I mean, we must have some sort of expectation of what fair in life would be, right? Otherwise, how can we recognize when life isn’t fair? (And we all seem to be good at that!)

First, let’s look at life. The dictionary.com definition of life is “the property or quality that distinguishes living organisms from dead organisms and inanimate matter, manifested in functions such as metabolism, growth, reproduction, and response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originating from within the organism.” 

Yeah, I know. I probably could have said it better. Or in more easily understood phrasing. I get the “response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment” phrase – that’s what we actually see as life experience. To us, “life” often refers to the incidents, encounters, and events that occur in our lives. After all, what is life but a succession of “things happening to us” and to others?

But notice what comes after that phrase? Did you see that the response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originates “from within the organism”? If we’re seeing the life experience as the incidents, encounters, and events that occur to which we metabolize, grow, reproduce, respond or adapt because of what’s inside us, then how can life be fair?

Aren’t we all different inside?

Defining fair

Let’s add a definition of fair to that. Merriam-Webster’s definition of fair can mean “marked by impartiality and honesty: free from self-interest, prejudice, or favoritism”; it can also mean “conforming to established rules” or “not very good or bad; of average or acceptable quality” (as in “your work was only fair, not outstanding”). 

However, most of us don’t see fair as any of these definitions. We see fair as “equal” and/or “righteous.”  Nothing could be further from the truth!

LIFE ISN’T FAIR. There, I said it again. Well, why not? Why isn’t life fair? I can give you several examples/reasons – here you go:

Because of CIRCUMSTANCE

Our circumstances determine so much about our lives. You may be born with a silver spoon in your mouth – or no spoon at all (or a fork, whatever). I used to have a sign in my house that said, “A dog is the only relative you get to choose.” That’s a really true statement. We don’t choose our parents or get to decide much of anything in our early formative years. 

What if we don’t want to be born and raised in a particular place? Too bad. It’s where our parents were at the time. What if we don’t want to go to school? Well, you can try homeschooling or whatever, but, you, most likely, will not be the one deciding that fate.

I know the Declaration of Independence of the United States of America says, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” We may be CREATED equal – but life isn’t equal. Wait, why not?

Because of CHOICES (see Rule #14)

Our lives are defined by the choices we make. It’s that simple. Once we are “of age” (an incredibly complex subject in itself), whether we “choose” to be of age or are thrown into the circumstance, WE start making choices for ourselves.  

Those choices define our lives – and often define the “fairness” of life. We make bad choices, we make good choices, and each choice can determine how we feel about life being fair or unfair. Yes, sometimes choices are made for us, but that’s part of life, isn’t it? And our reactions to life determine our attitude toward fairness.

Because of CHARACTER 

A third “because of ‘C'” is character. Yes, character is the tough one – because our character and attitude often determine whether we see life as fair or unfair. (Remember that final part of the definition of life? That the response to stimuli or adaptation to the environment originates “from within the organism”?

That, my friend, is character. Part of our character may be our personality, innate traits and tendencies we seem to have from birth. But part of our character is moldable.

One of my first memories of one of the better supervisors I had was walking into his office and saying, “Boss, we have a problem.” “No,” he replied. “You have an OPPORTUNITY! A great opportunity to show off your problem-solving skills, your creativity, and your ability to work with others!” 

He was correct. That simple statement — turning “we” into “me” and “problem” into “opportunity” transformed my attitude. I started seeing “our problems” as “my opportunities,” and viewing them as such became part of my character. I eschewed negativity. (I’ve always wanted to use “eschewed” in a blog.) I became a more positive person.

But what if I hadn’t? What if I’d persisted in the “we have a problem” mentality? Wouldn’t I have expected help in solving a problem? At best, wouldn’t the end result have been a collaborative effort resulting in a fixed problem? And wouldn’t I have approached the next problem the same way?

Instead, I was able to solve the problem creatively and get team members on board with this new opportunity. I gained skills, knowledge, wisdom, and credibility with my colleagues, who had more confidence in my ability to handle the job.

And the next time I encountered a problem, I didn’t bother the boss to tell him we had a problem. Rather, I told him about the new opportunity and how we could make the most of it. I was improving my character. My boss and our company were the beneficiaries.

Do rules drive fairness?

We’ve spent most of our lives trying to either get people to “play by the rules” — obey the rules, understand the rules, and/or pay attention to the rules. Some say, “Rules are made to be broken!” I’ve even heard some say, “I never abide by the rules.”

Don’t we believe life has a set of rules and when we play by them we should be rewarded accordingly? And that when others don’t play by the rules, they should be rewarded or punished accordingly?

So – there are people who do NOT play by the rules or, by our own belief, don’t play fair – ever. But – is “fairness” really defined by rules, laws, or regulations? I would say no. I’ve run across many rules that I felt (and others felt) were unreasonable, or silly – but maybe those rules were put in place to protect us.

When I first worked in a laboratory, I worked the night shift. Coffee, and plenty of it, was important! We had coffee all the time and drank coffee while we worked on the lab bench. Later, when I was promoted to work in the morgue (yep, it was a promotion! People were dying to see me – whoops, sorry!), we also had coffee there. 

Now organizations place huge restrictions against this (probably with good reason) – no food or drink in the lab areas! Is that a stupid rule? NO. In fact, looking back, I was probably fortunate I remained safe and healthy when we had such a cavalier attitude about food and drink. (Lab specimens aren’t exactly clean and sterile, you know.) But it would have seemed unfair to us at the time NOT to drink coffee in the lab. 

So while rules may be in place to protect us, we don’t always appreciate them. We may skip the rules and succeed, as was my experience drinking coffee in the lab. We may follow the rules and fail somehow. We aren’t guaranteed success. We aren’t guaranteed fairness. We aren’t even guaranteed that others who don’t follow the rules will be treated as they might deserve.

And so I say, again, life isn’t fair.

The key to Rule #15

I could provide you any of a number of corny proverbs about attitude and choices and life – but I’ll make my own saying, here: “Acknowledge that life isn’t fair or even meant to be fair, and you’ll be better for it.” That’s a big deal! Understanding that life will not be fair is a huge step forward for you.

Oh, and stop comparing yourself to others – that’s also helpful. It will help you learn to appreciate what you DO have, versus what you don’t, and to comprehend that “fair” is relative.

Life isn’t meant to be equal, or conforming, but it’s definitely not meant to be of “average quality” – enjoy your life by looking for opportunity, not problems!

On to Rule #16 next week!